it's a family affair ...

Today I'm going to attend my cousin's daughter's (does that make her my second-cousin?) wedding. I am doing this because I'm supposed to, which feels odd, because doing things because you are supposed to is not something to which my family ever willingly surrendered.

For example, my maternal grandmother did not attend my wedding. I was told "she doesn't do weddings." (She also didn't "do" Christmas, graduation, etc.) Well, apparently she changed, because she is doing this one - but she's 10 years older now, has buried both of her children, and maybe she recognizes the importance of ritual, even if this one usually is an awkward, saccharine parade of bad clothes, hair, makeup, music, and uncomfortable moments when you run out of chit-chat at a table full of strangers. That or she had nothing better to do today.

To be fair, I didn't invite my uncle to my wedding. You are probably supposed to invite uncles of all stripes. I didn't want to invite either of mine. The short hand version of why is that one of them was rude to my mother and sister on multiple occasions and the other one made jokes about being attracted to me when I was 10 and then put a gun to my head when I was 14. So, I gave in and invited the rude one, but not the other one.

This is the crazy thing. The same woman who didn't do weddings has lobbied over the years for me to forgive her son. I don't think you are supposed to forgive people who put guns to your head or who joke about incest within hearing distance of the proposed victim. I think they should be shunned as a form of societal punishment so that people think twice about behaving that way. But, even though this woman and most of her family tree boycott doing things because you are supposed to, they also frequently extol the virtues of "family" and how we're supposed to stick together.

I've thought about why they have these opposing views - don't do things just because you are supposed to, but stick with family, because you are supposed to (except you don't have to go to your family weddings, but you do have to invite all of your family - jeesh!) - and I think it must have come from necessity, because in the case of my maternal grandmother, grandfather, and uncle -- if they didn't brainwash people to stick with them, no one would. Harsh, but true.

So today I get to see my grandmother and my cousins. Thinking about my cousins and my sister and me makes me realize we have all tried to get as far away from the family as we could. I think that all of us moved out of our parent's houses by no later than 17 years old, some went back out of financial necessity for a year or so, but then scattered to the four winds.

Most of my cousins do the requisite amount of attendance at family gatherings (which are increasingly rare), but I am curious to see whether my cousin, whose daughter is getting married today, actually shows up. It is possible that he carries on the family-tradition of eschewing tradition. I could see him saying "in my eyes you're already married, so why should I be there?" Hopefully, he will give in and do what he's supposed to.

There's something more interesting in here, something about the folklore passed down to my generation by my grandmother, mother, and uncle, that was used to try to make us think that the way we were being treated was normal. It might have been subconsciously executed, but they definitely wove a tall tale, about how we were all so very special, how our family all had genius IQs, and were all so creative, blah, blah, blah. And if you raised your hand and said, "but, I don't like the way it feels when you do this or say that," they said, "oh, you, you're soooo normal. I'm really disappointed because you had such potential."

I have to let that stew for awhile. Maybe I'll find the jewel. I realize this post was a page-long gripe, but I needed to get it out before I see them. :)