there's a monster at the end of this book ...

I want to live without fear. I want to dive in, to embrace life, to take risks. I know that is the way to a life worth living. I know this deeply, like it was written onto my DNA.

And yet.

What if? What if I die? What if I kill someone else, either accidentally, or gasp, purposefully when I change into Mr. Hyde?

What if I'm driving on a twisty mountain road, in awe of the natural beauty that surrounds me, and then, suddenly, on the other side of the tunnel I see the canyon floor, 1000 feet below me (and my poor unsuspecting passengers). This time, instead of pulling over, hands trembling, red-facedly admitting that I'm struck with vertigo - what if this time I cannot stop myself and I point the nose of the car at the tiny, metal guardrail - our government's nod toward protecting drivers - built to a spec that never imagined the height of an H2 or even an Escalade or the power of their engines?

What if I rub my eye and get an infection that rots out my eyeball?

What if I have diabetes?

What if I eat something, anything, that I didn't know I was deathly allergic to?

What if someone breaks into my house and rapes me? What if I like it? What if he murders me for being a horrible slut?

What if I get pulled over and I have a panic attack because I'm afraid of being arrested, but the rookie isn't familiar with panic disorder and thinks I'm on drugs and arrests me? What if my cellmate shivs me?

What if that couple reading the Bible in the airport before they board the same plane I'm taking are religious terrorists who want judgement day to come and have decided to hurry it along?

What if I left the stove on and one of my pets knocks over a candle I also carelessly left lit and then they frantically paw at the door as the flames engulf them?

What if I left the dolmas out in the car and my sister ate one and got food poisoning and nearly died?

What if none of this happens but I spend my life paralyzed by stupid fear?

What if I decide to say "fuck you" to all the checking the stove and planning things and worrying and then one day, a rapist leaves my stove on, rubs my eye with his bible and then drives off the mountainside, a trail of rotten dolmas exploding out of the car when it crashes on the canyon floor?